A toxic marriage is the culmination of unhealthy behaviors that negatively impact the well-being and happiness of one or both partners.
In toxic marriages, there is often a power imbalance between the partners, leaving one feeling unheard, unappreciated, or invalidated. Instead of the growth and mutual respect that accompany healthy marriages, toxic marriages can lead to feelings of resentment, neglect, and unhappiness.
A toxic marriage goes beyond the relationship itself and negatively affects the partners involved. I have seen many marriages where some partners do not know that they are in a toxic marriage. This is why I have written this blog post on the signs of a toxic marriage and how to fix it, to help couples assess their marriage and make the appropriate decisions.
What Is A Toxic Marriage?
A toxic marriage is a relationship marred by damaging behaviors and emotional abuse, eroding trust and happiness, and often leading to mental and sometimes physical harm. It’s a relationship that’s more destructive than nurturing.
15 Signs Of A Toxic Marriage
These signs of a toxic marriage are signs that you must look out for because they are bound to destroy all the positive aspects of your life.
1. Physical Abuse
Physical abuse refers to the use of force or v#olence against a partner in a relationship, resulting in bodily harm or injury. One of the warning signs of a toxic marriage is physical abuse.
A marriage becomes toxic when your partner beats you up or assaults you. It is not just terrible; it is an infringement of your human rights, a disrespect to your personhood, and a disrespect to your value in the relationship as a whole.
This form of abuse can include hitting, punching, kicking, slapping, or any other act that inflicts physical harm. It is a serious violation of trust and boundaries that causes pain, fear, and lasting emotional trauma.
2. Threats Of Harm
Threats of harm are usually the use of intimidating language or actions to instill fear or exert control in marriage. This can include verbal threats of v#olence, warnings of self-harm, or destruction of property. These threats make the other partner afraid for their safety and well-being.
Threats of harm are one of the signs of a toxic marriage, and it’s one of the red flags you must not ignore in a relationship.
3. Isolation Tactics
One of the early signs of a toxic marriage is that your partner finds ways to isolate you from society. At first, you might think it’s love because they give the excuse that they want you all to themselves, but this is not healthy.
One of the signs of a healthy relationship is that both partners allow each other space to find and express themselves with other people. Therefore, it is very important to recognize that your partner’s desire is not rooted in love; it is rooted in control.
4. Financial Control
As a married couple, it is commonly understood that you should make household and financial decisions together. This practice helps you both understand each other, determine who is better at managing finances, and allow that person to take charge.
However, if your partner insists on controlling the finances and exerting control over all the money, even when it is unnecessary and detrimental to the family, this behavior is one of the biggest signs of a toxic marriage. In the end, such a partner will cause frustration and create an atmosphere of distrust, where only one individual is making all the financial decisions and does not want to be questioned.
5. Stalking Behavior
There is a thin line between being possessive and stalking your partner. Having a partner who stalks you is one of the signs that your marriage is toxic and is headed for the rocks.
If your partner finds it difficult to trust you when you say you are going somewhere without having to tail you, then this is one of the signs you might be in a toxic marriage.
You should be able to go out to places, meet people, and come back to your partner rather than having your partner stalk you everywhere you go and on your social media.
Warning Signs Of A Toxic Marriage
6. Extreme Jealousy
Extreme jealousy involves an intense and irrational fear of losing a partner or being replaced by someone else. One of the signs you’re in a toxic marriage is when your partner expresses extreme jealousy, becomes unnecessarily possessive, and constantly checks your activities.
Also, if your partner becomes suspicious of your innocent interactions with others and you always have to explain yourself, then this is a sign that you are in a toxic marriage. This jealousy can lead to your partner always wanting to control you; they may go as far as emotionally manipulating you and even accusing you of infidelity, even when it is not true.
7. Gaslighting
Gaslighting is one of the things that can destroy your marriage. One sign of a toxic marriage is when your partner gaslights you.
When your partner gaslights you, it makes you feel foolish. You end up apologizing for things that are not your fault but clearly theirs. In the end, your relationship will suffer because this should be one of the biggest deal-breakers for you. You will find it difficult to speak up because even when you do, you will end up feeling bad, and this leads to feelings of resentment.
8. Extreme Mood Swings
When your partner has extreme mood swings and you are the one bearing the brunt of them, it is a sign that your marriage may be toxic. This behavior is one of the things that can harm a marriage.
Having a partner who blows hot and cold can be a negative experience because, in the end, this attitude can leave you feeling unsure of yourself.
9. Sabotage
Sabotage involves intentionally undermining or damaging a partner’s success, happiness, or well-being within a relationship. This destructive behavior can take various forms, such as withholding support, spreading rumors, undermining confidence, or interfering with growth opportunities.
Sabotage often stems from feelings of insecurity, jealousy, or a desire for control over the other person. It can create a toxic and unhealthy dynamic in the relationship, destroying trust and causing emotional harm.
Signs You’re In A Toxic Marriage
10. Intimidation Tactics
Intimidation tactics in a marriage involve the use of fear, threats, or coercion to control or manipulate your partner. These tactics can manifest in various forms, such as verbal threats, aggressive body language, or menacing gestures.
Through counseling, I have discovered that most partners use intimidation tactics to instill fear and assert power over their partners, often making them feel powerless and insecure.
Examples of intimidation tactics include yelling, shouting, or making demeaning remarks to coerce the other person in the marriage into compliance.
Need more information on hurtful things your partner should never say to you? I have a comprehensive list here.
11. S#xual Coercion
This is one of the most unspoken and common signs of a toxic marriage: when your partner uses manipulation, pressure, or force to obtain or have s#x with you without your consent, this is s#xual coercion.
The fact that you are married does not justify s#xual coercion, because s#x should be consensual; it takes two to tango, and as such, it should occur with your consent.
S#xual coercion can include various tactics such as emotional blackmail, threats, and manipulation through guilt or obligation. S#xual coercion does not respect your individuality or your boundaries as a partner, and experiencing this act repeatedly can lead to feelings of fear, shame, and violation.
12. S#bstance Ab#se
S#bstance ab#se in a marriage often manifests as a destructive cycle, leading to strained communication, emotional disconnection, and irrational behavior. Whether it involves alcohol, dr#gs, or other add#ctive s#bstances, abuse can create neglect, financial strain, and even physical or emotional abuse.
I once had a female client whose alcohol add#ction nearly made her lose her child and her marriage. It took a while for her to recover, but much of the damage had been done. Typically, with s#bstance ab#se, partners may experience a breakdown in trust and intimacy.
13. Escalating V#olence
Escalating v#olence is one of the signs that your marriage is toxic. It is also an indication that your marriage may soon end.
Escalation can involve a transition from one type of abuse to another or an increase in the severity of similar types of abuse. Gradual escalation occurs more slowly and might manifest as insults that become progressively crueler and more hurtful.
For example, as a marriage counselor, I encountered a marriage where one partner began with verbal abuse and escalated to physical abuse.
Biggest Signs Of A Toxic Marriage
14. Weapon Use
The use of weapons in marriage is one of the signs of a toxic marriage. The presence of weapons intensifies the risk of physical harm and can create an atmosphere of fear and intimidation within the relationship.
In most marriages where weapon use is common, one or both partners usually wind up d##d. Weapon use in marriage is terrible and should not be condoned.
15. Suicidal Threats Or Ideation
One of the potent signs of a toxic marriage is when one partner threatens the other with suicide and expresses thoughts or intentions of self-harm or suicide, whether directly or indirectly.
Suicidal threats or ideation usually create an atmosphere of fear and helplessness and create a power imbalance in the relationship where one of the partners has control over the other partner. This is one of the signs that it is time to walk away from that marriage.
5 Tips To Deal With Toxic Marriage
These tips to deal with toxic marriage will help you make informed decisions that will benefit you:
1. Set Boundaries
One of the ways on how to fix a toxic marriage is to set boundaries with your partner. It is very important to know that setting boundaries keeps your partner in check.
2. Seek Support
Seeking support will help you maintain your boundaries and will infuse some measure of sanity to help you decide on what you want to do. This is one of the tips on how to save a toxic marriage.
3. Focus On Self-Care
Self-care is very important because that’s how you remind yourself how valuable you are and how deserving of good things you are. Thus helping you to heal and become a better person.
4. Communication And Counseling
It is very important to find somebody that you can communicate with and someone that can counsel you. It can be a knowledgeable family member or it can be a therapist.
5. Evaluate Your Options
One of the things you need to do is that you need to evaluate your options. You need to decide if that marriage is worth leaving or if you want to stay and work on your marriage.
If your partner is remorseful and wants to become a better partner, or you just want to leave and start life afresh, evaluating your options and choosing the best options for you is key.
Final Note On Signs Of A Toxic Marriage
These signs of a toxic marriage are exactly what you need to become a better partner, reconnect with your partner, and have a better marriage or to leave that marriage and start a new life.
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