Marriage is a long journey that often brings unexpected realizations. Many couples enter marriage with certain expectations, only to find that the reality of married life can be quite different.
Reflecting on my experiences as a woman married for 25 years and still counting, I realize there are some things I wish I had known before I got married that could have made my transition to married life smoother.
As a marriage counselor, I have seen many couples realize that knowing these things would have made all the difference in their marriages. Here are some key lessons that will provide you with valuable wisdom for navigating the ups and downs of marriage.
12 Things I Wish I Knew Before I Got Married
You may wake up wondering why you married this person, but this list of things I wish I knew before I said yes will help you navigate this phase more easily without jeopardizing your marriage.
1. Communication Is Key, Even About The Small Stuff
One of the things I wish I knew before marriage is how crucial communication is, not just about the big issues but also the small day-to-day matters. You need to learn to update your partner as much as possible because what may seem like small stuff to you can be big stuff for your partner.
Honestly, you will have small misunderstandings, but remember that these can build up, causing unnecessary tension and potentially overwhelming you both. Learning to express your feelings openly, actively listening to your partner, and using positive language helps prevent these small things from becoming major problems.
Checking in on each other regularly and sharing minor wins and concerns builds a strong foundation of openness, making it easier to address bigger challenges as they come.
Improving your communication with your partner might not come easy, but these deep conversation starters to build intimacy and communication exercises for couples will definitely help you develop a better communication system.
2. Conflict Is Normal And Can Strengthen Your Bond
When you first fall in love, you think that you and your partner are perfect for each other. You complete each other’s sentences and know what the other is thinking. You believe that you and your partner can never experience conflict because you both agree on everything. However, one of the things I wish I knew before I got married is that conflict isn’t a sign of a failing marriage; it’s a normal part of any partnership, especially in marriage.
As a marriage counselor, I have come to understand that conflict is a chance to understand each other better and to grow closer. Couples who learn to handle disagreements with respect build trust and deepen their bond. Not learning to deal with conflicts is one of the habits that can destroy a marriage.
By addressing conflicts in a healthy way, you’ll uncover your partner’s needs and communicate your own, growing together as you overcome challenges.
3. Personal Growth Doesn’t Stop After Marriage
A commonly overlooked aspect of marriage is that personal growth continues even after you tie the knot.
In my line of work, I have seen many women and men who were served divorce papers by their partners just because they lost themselves in marriage. Marriage doesn’t mean the end of self-discovery; rather, it should amplify it.
One important fact I wish I knew before marriage is that each person’s career, hobbies, or worldview should not stop; it should evolve beyond the home. As a good partner, it’s important to stay open to these changes in your other half.
Supporting your partner’s individual pursuits, whether through new hobbies, personal goals, or education, always brings new energy and excitement to your marriage.
4. Financial Transparency Is Essential
Financial compatibility is a key factor in the stability of marriage, and transparency is crucial for building trust. One of the truths I wish someone told me before I got married includes the importance of open discussions about spending habits, saving goals, and financial responsibilities.
Many couples separated because they did not do their due diligence. In the euphoria of love, they forget to check their partner’s financial lifestyle and habits. Only to get married and realize that they are married to wasters.
Not once or twice have I seen these cases in my counseling sessions. You need to marry someone who shares your financial lifestyle or is willing to learn and is showing results from what they have learned.
By working together on finances with your partner, setting a budget, and planning for future needs, you can avoid unnecessary conflicts and build a stable foundation for a secure future.
5. Love Changes And Grows Over Time
One piece of advice I wish I had before getting married is that love changes over the years. The love that first brings you and your partner together often transforms as life unfolds.
You need to understand that your love evolves as you go through different phases of life. It goes from fiery love to something deeper and more solid, catalyzed by the obstacles you both have faced together.
Love isn’t a static feeling but one that goes through different stages of life, deepening through your shared experiences with the love of your life and evolving in the face of life’s challenges. Accepting these changes and intentionally nurturing your marriage in each phase creates a strong bond that withstands the test of time.
6. Maintaining Individuality Is Important
Marriage doesn’t mean that you stop being yourself. One of the things I wish I had known before I got married is how essential it is to maintain your sense of self.
Your individuality should not be lost within the confines of marriage because this is how you become the person your partner needs you to be. When partners retain their individuality and pursue their own interests, they bring new insights and excitement into the marriage.
Personal growth, friendships, and hobbies not only benefit you but also strengthen your marriage by creating a balance between independence and togetherness, allowing both you and the love of your life to thrive.
7. It’s Okay To Need Space
Everyone, including your clingy partner, needs time for reflection and relaxation, and it’s natural to want moments of solitude even in marriage. One of the things I wish I had known before getting married is the realization that needing space doesn’t mean there’s something wrong with your marriage.
I always wanted to spend time with my partner. I even blew off some friends on many occasions just to rush home to be with him. He found it suffocating because he wanted some time alone. I thought he had begun to fall out of love with me until we had a conversation and both adjusted to each other. Giving each other space is a healthy part of setting boundaries and maintaining balance.
Openly discussing personal space and respecting each other’s needs strengthens trust and mutual understanding, creating a marriage where both partners can recharge and return with renewed energy.
8. Patience Goes A Long Way
In marriage, patience is not only a virtue; it’s a vital ingredient for a lasting relationship.
Frustrations are bound to occur, especially when habits or personalities clash. Understanding that patience helps in dealing with these situations thoughtfully rather than reactively will go a long way in your marriage.
Embracing a patient approach creates an environment where you and your partner feel valued, and issues are addressed with understanding rather than frustration and angry outbursts.
9. Compromise Is Crucial But Doesn’t Mean Losing Yourself
Compromise is often said to be important in marriage, but it doesn’t mean sacrificing your values or constantly giving in. True compromise means finding solutions that respect you and your significant other’s needs and values.
The healthiest marriages always strike a balance between compromise and individuality, creating a space where couples feel heard and appreciated. This approach to compromise builds respect and allows for personal growth within the boundaries of marriage.
10. Family Dynamics And In-Laws Matter More Than Expected
One of the things I wish I had known before getting married is how much family dynamics can impact a marriage. Merging two families and navigating marriage with in-laws can significantly affect marital happiness. This is why it is very important to ask questions.
It is often said that the man is the protector, and most people interpret this as the protector of the household. However, the man should also protect his family emotionally, which includes protecting his wife from his family in the event of hostility, and vice versa. Protecting one’s family is a quality of a good husband that should be valued.
Setting boundaries with family helps ensure they show your partner respect, which goes a long way in managing family-related challenges.
I once had a client who constantly watched as his partner was walked all over by his family, and the couple later separated. Couples who acknowledge the role of family dynamics and prepare for potential issues are often more resilient and stronger when handling sensitive family matters together.
11. Prioritizing Quality Time Is Necessary For Connection
In the hustle and bustle of daily life, it’s very easy to neglect your partner. Setting aside time for each other helps you both maintain the necessary emotional closeness to keep your love flowing. One of the things I wish someone told me before I got married is the importance of intentionally carving out moments together.
Prioritizing quality time isn’t just about the quantity of time spent; it’s about focusing fully on each other. This effort strengthens the marriage, keeps affection alive, and provides a foundation that you and the love of your life can build on.
12. Marriage Takes Continuous Effort And Intentionality
Unlike a fairy tale, marriage doesn’t automatically lead to a “happily ever after” without ongoing effort. Among the things I wish I had known before getting married is the understanding that successful marriages are built on small, consistent acts of love and intentionality. Many couples who experience the honeymoon phase of their marriage are often shocked by the amount of work required to maintain the romance they cherish.
Whether through active communication, acts of kindness, or expressions of gratitude, keeping a marriage strong requires a continuous commitment to both your partner and the marriage, along with a shared willingness to invest in each other. This dedication transforms marriage from a routine into a beautiful, lifelong journey of mutual growth and support.
In Summary: Things I Wish I Knew Before I Got Married
Marriage is both rewarding and challenging, filled with lessons that often reveal themselves only through experience. No matter how many books you read about marriage, some things can only be understood once you are married. These are some of the things I wish I had known before I got married, as they might have eased the transition and helped me avoid certain struggles.
By focusing on communication with your partner, personal growth, and intentional efforts to strengthen your relationship, marriage can become a meaningful journey of partnership, growth, and deep connection.
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