Intimacy in marriage is one thing that is lacking in many homes today. Many homes are just filled with two individuals sharing space without any form of connection.
Others have turned into strangers with every passing day. Love and intimacy have been thrown out of the window leaving partners in regret and sometimes contemplating for divorce or separation.
They feel happy when their spouses are away and feel sad when they are awake, they can’t bear to sit close to each other and enjoy a movie together.
When one is in the room, the other will move into the sitting room and they keep switching positions just to avoid each other. Couples these days find it difficult to stay in and sort out their issues, they will rather look for the easy way out. worked around their issues.
From a couple of talks and sessions with couples, I have come to discover that a lot of couples seem to be going through a lot and yet ignore counselling or seeking a solution.
This is dangerous because things may get out of hand and in the process of handling it the wrong way, they may resort to cheating or even taking the life of their spouse so they can find peace.
Some women are in marriages today for the sake of their children and just because of the shame of being tagged a divorcee, they will rather endure than leave.
Some men also have resigned to fate and resorted to having side chics and avoid any form of body contact with their wives. A lot could be responsible for this ill-feeling as you never bargained for this, you went into it with all joy hoping for the best.
You bragged about your spouse to your single friends and encouraged them to get married also but now you regret being with this same person that used to give you butterflies in the belly. How sad!
We live in a society where there is so much razzmatazz and in a bid to meet up, you may forget nurturing the relationship you once held dear.
Social media screams sensual and only concentrates on physical body parts and how you can fondle them to achieve sensual satisfaction, religion shys away from it and when it is even mentioned, it is done in silence as it is looked upon as a shameful thing which isn’t true.
Intimacy and bonding aren’t looked upon as a vital tool anymore but as a means of releasing tension and showing a man’s masculinity.
Before we go on, can we answer these questions sincerely to ourselves?
- Do you miss love making as a couple?
- Do you turn off the light during the act?
- How do you feel talking about it?
- Do you ever sit to share your thoughts with your spouse on this subject matter or do you avoid it?
- Are you bold enough to share how you want to be touched with your partner?
- Do you ask your partner how they want to be touched also?
What does love making mean to you? For some men, it is doing what he feels is right to make his wife satisfy on bed and so he can have a sensual satisfaction so his joyst#ck can lose its hardness for some time, for the women, some feign illness to avoid it or just lie like a log of wood so the man can get satisfied and she can have her sleep. Others touch themselves to find the release they so desire.
This is way different from what getting intimate with your spouse should be like. It is the bonding and connecting of two souls.
Marriage is a platform where you can be naked and not ashamed, you can explore not just your bodies but your soul, you have access to their innermost beings and share a connection with their spirits.
You may be wondering why I am emphasising on the bedroom, it is because a lot of people think is where intimacy emanates from but it isn’t true, it comes from the bond you share with your partner which is then consummated in the bedroom.
Now we move on to “how to build intimacy in marriage. If you sense there is a problem of intimacy in your marriage, talk about it with your partner as they may not even notice, they may just be playing life with you.
Perhaps your intimacy in marriage is lost, will rebuilding intimacy in marriage be possible again?
I’m a lady and I will love to address the women first. Woman, you are powerful and sometimes you do not know that you possess so many powers that can make a man do whatever you want but sometimes we get in the way of it by exhibiting some womanly traits which if not handled properly can chase out men away.
There are some bad traits we will need to eliminate which we do not even know about. We may know them but think that with time we can get over them but it would have done a lot of damage before we realize it.
Don’t bother about the men, we will come back to them. What are those bad traits we need to eliminate in order to achieve greater intimacy in marriage?
Listen woman, there are a whole lot of things you can do to bring back marriage intimacy.
Stop Nagging
State your need without nagging. Most times we assume our men know what we need before we ask, even after asking we expect them to be met immediately.
Sometimes it doesn’t come immediately, next thing we resort to nagging and complaining which isn’t good. Sometimes we wear out the men when we do this. Intimacy will walk out the door when your man feels he’s not good enough for you.
Sometimes he may become defensive and then you say he doesn’t care, no, your attitude changed him.
Stop Comparing Him
Don’t compare him with anyone. Your ex pampered you but you didn’t end up with your spouse, you are with your current husband so stop taking back into your past and comparing him with your father, friend’s husband or even your ex, your man is different from these people I just mentioned.
Remember, we are not perfect and love involves you loving an imperfect person perfectly. You should be familiar with each other’s weaknesses and try not to dwell on them but instead focus on your strengths and downplay the weaker side of your spouse.
Don’t Be Disrespectful
Don’t be disrespectful by speaking to him anyhow or even raising your voice at him either in public or private. Even if he says words that hurt you, you can speak in a manner that won’t come across as being disrespectful.
I understand that you may have been with some surprises on marriage by encountering things you never bargained for but don’t make your man feel worse by thinking he got married to a bully.
Don’t push him out by reporting him to all and sundry and making him appear to be all shades of irresponsible.
I’ve had people sit across me on the counselling table and when I try to correct them they respond by trying to compare their marriage with what they see in movies forgetting that they are all make-believe and sometimes for entertainment.
When you do any of the above-mentioned things, you sabotage your marriage and stunt its growth.
Your marriage is unique and different from every other marriage on earth which is why you have to go one search for what works for you and build greater intimacy in marriage.
Don’t forget the days of dating, when you went out of your way to please each other, please keep it up, don’t stop. The little stops here and there have contributed to ending intimacy between you two.
So instead of doing any of the above, try replacing nagging with gratitude. Even when you have needs, be grateful for the ones he has met in time past. Appreciate all he does to ensure he keeps meeting your needs.
Admire Him
Let him feel like the king he is. Dress him up sometimes, offer some fashion advice.
Let him know the part of him you admire so much, praise his strengths, tenacity, decision-making skills and even his athletic body if he has one. The key is to be sincere about it, don’t flatter him.
Sensually Sed#ce Him
Men are moved by what they see most of the time. Make him notice you. Dress to entice when you are alone together, splash some romantic fragrance on, be alluring and wriggle or lap dance for him. Take him on a lust trip and end it by satisfying him lawfully.
If your man is conservative, then be wise about your actions so he doesn’t think otherwise. This is why I advise couples to be open and discuss sensual boundaries.
For some men, lovemaking is a vital need and it is one you will need to satisfy often and when you are not fit, kindly say it lovingly without making him feel bad.
Now let’s turn to the men, what role does a man have in rebuilding intimacy in marriage?
Intimacy is a side of marriage that remains a mystery to so many, which is why I started with addressing the women. It doesn’t also mean there is nothing a man can do to foster intimacy.
Understanding
One of the things he can do is understanding. Your wife isn’t like your high school girlfriend who had a crush on you and did all she could to get your attention, sometimes your wife may not be in the mood for love making, don’t lord it over her, be understanding and even if you eventually have your way, be gentle on her.
Women are emotional and may over react, blame it on biology and don’t take it out on us when we cry over little things or use our tongues like vipers.
Create Quality Time
Endeavour to create quality time so we can feature in your space. We understand that you have to cater to the needs of the nation but we shouldn’t suffer for it. Slow down on activities that take you away from the home often.
Show Care
Parenting isn’t for the woman only and when you try to be a father, please don’t be too hard on the kids, it may make them begin to take sides with the women and also run away from you which will, in turn, affect your relationship with her.
Offer Us Compliments And Daily Affirmations
Don’t make us feel like since we are women and we are home so we are jobless. Praise us when you return home to a well-made bed and well-prepared meals. Offer to help us sometimes when we are tired.
Give us time off by taking us out for dinner so we don’t stay in the kitchen sneezing and sweating 365 days a week. You know what makes us happy, sometimes try doing it without us asking for help.
Short and simple you may think, but it’s not as easy as it seems. To sum it all up, there are a couple of marriage intimacy exercises you can engage in together.
They include looking into each other’s eyes often, holding hands and cuddling or even go verbal by asking deep questions that will get you into the heart of your partner. Here you can talk about your sensuality and even your love language.
You will agree with me now that your man wants intimacy with you as much as you do only that he may not fully comprehend its intricacies.
As a woman, you can begin and watch him follow suit. When a partner is shown love, in most cases it will be reciprocated. Have the goal of moving from teammates or even partners to betterhalfs or even twins where you become inseparable.
Where you think your marriage has gone beyond the level of the steps given above, endeavour to seek compelling.
One last exercise before you begin your day or retire to bed, place your hand on the shoulder or waist of your spouse, look into their eyes and say out loud “I am glad you are in my world and I love you”. It could be a step in the right direction of rekindling the flame of love again.
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